Co-Parenting After Separation: The Grief, The Myths, and How to Move Forward
By Nathalie Keightley, Psychotherapy at Laura Greenwood Therapy (LGT)
Edited by Laura Greenwood, Founder of LGT, and fierce advocate for telling the untold stories of parenthood
The Grief Nobody Warned Me About
The part of parenthood you didn’t plan for. The missed moments. The halving of time. The contrast between chaos and silence. The empty bedroom. The grief of the family life you always imagined.
The Wild Ride Into Motherhood
Becoming a mother is a huge transition for any woman. Whether it’s planned, unexpected, or somewhere in between, the journey through pregnancy and into early motherhood is a wild ride. The hormones, the changing body, the changing identity, the shift from being one person to becoming both a woman and someone’s mother.
The Decision That Changed Everything
The decision to separate was not one I made lightly; it came after significant reflection, inner conflict, and grief. From a young age, I had imagined a large, loving family, children growing up together, and a shared family life. The reality that this vision was no longer possible felt devastating.
What I Was Prepared For — and What I Wasn’t
I knew motherhood would be hard. I wasn’t naïve to the sleepless nights, the constant demands, the loneliness that can accompany maternity leave, or the endless questioning of whether you’re doing any of it right. What I hadn’t anticipated was feeling unsupported by the person who helped create this life.
I found myself in survival mode, responsible for a tiny human while trying to manage my own emotions and navigate a completely new identity. Like many new parents, I survived on caffeine, convenience food, and determination.
Many factors contributed to the end of the relationship with my daughter’s father, but one of the most significant was recognising that I didn’t want my child to grow up believing our relationship dynamic was normal or healthy. Becoming a mother shone a light on the things I no longer wanted to accept and the needs I could no longer ignore. For the first time, I felt compelled to advocate for myself in a way I never had before. Although it meant letting go of the dream I had of being a family unit, I knew I needed to model healthy relationships and boundaries for my daughter.
A Life Divided
Co-parenting is complicated. It involves managing the emotions that often accompany the end of a relationship—sadness, anger, guilt, disappointment, and sometimes shame—while continuing to keep your child’s wellbeing at the centre of every decision.
Almost overnight, my life felt split in two.
Half of the time, I am Mummy, fully immersed in the beautiful chaos of raising a child. For the other 50%, I find myself with more time than I’ve had in years. The house is quiet. The evenings feel long. The silence can be both welcome and painful.
Over time, I have learned to live with these two versions of my life. Yet the transition between them can still catch me off guard. The emotional whiplash of moving from constant responsibility to unexpected freedom remains one of the most challenging aspects of co-parenting.
Three Common Myths About Co-Parenting
As I have navigated co-parenting, I’ve noticed there are certain assumptions people often make about separated families. Some are well-intentioned, while others can leave parents feeling misunderstood or judged. These are three common myths about co-parenting that I have learned to challenge.
Myth 1: My family is “broken”
What does this even mean?
How do we define a broken family? Is it a family where a child is safe, loved, and deeply cared for by two parents who happen to live in separate homes? Or is it a family where ongoing conflict creates resentment, tension, and a sense of walking on eggshells?
I have experienced the latter, and I knew I did not want my daughter to grow up believing that was what relationships should look like.
When relationships end, many parents carry an enormous amount of guilt.
It can feel as though you’ve failed, or that you’ve somehow broken the family you worked so hard to create. I understand that feeling. I carried it too.
But over time, I have come to realise that family is not defined by where people live or whether parents remain together. Family is defined by love, safety, stability, and connection.
If you find yourself feeling that you have “broken” your family by putting your wellbeing first, I would encourage you to gently challenge that belief. Ask yourself what the alternative might have looked like, is your family broken, or protected?
Myth 2: “It must be nice to get a break”
This is probably the comment I have struggled with the most.
Learning to live without my daughter for half of her life is not a break.
Missing bedtime stories, cuddles on the sofa, ordinary days together, and countless small moments is not a break.
When she is with her dad, I often find myself wondering what she is doing, what she has eaten, whether she slept well, or whether she needs me. The mental and emotional load of being a parent does not disappear simply because your child is not physically with you. I still think about school calendars, doctor’s appointments, milestones, and all the countless details that come with being a parent.
That said, co-parenting does provide something many parents rarely experience: time.
Time to exercise. Time to socialise. Time to focus on work. Time to rest. Time to remember who you are outside of being someone’s parent.
For that, I am grateful.
But gratitude does not erase grief.
For a long time, I felt guilty for enjoying parts of my child-free time. I worried that appreciating the opportunity to rest somehow meant I missed my daughter less.
The truth is that both things can exist at the same time.
You can be grateful for the space to breathe while simultaneously feeling heartbroken that your child is not with you. You can enjoy moments of freedom while still feeling the ache of their absence.
If you find yourself living with that same contradiction, please know that you are not alone. It is one of the most complex and ongoing challenges of co-parenting.
Myth 3: Co-parents have to hate each other
There is often an assumption that co-parenting means constant conflict, resentment, and hostility.
Thankfully, this has not been my experience.
I consider myself fortunate that, for the most part, our co-parenting relationship is relatively straightforward. We have agreed routines and structures in place, whilst also allowing flexibility when needed. We share responsibilities, costs, celebrations, and the day-to-day decisions that come with raising a child.
That doesn’t mean the separation wasn’t painful, or that difficult emotions never arise.
One of the most important lessons I have learned is this:
Loving your child is more important than hating your ex.
The end of a relationship can bring grief, anger, disappointment, and resentment. All of those feelings are valid and deserve space. However, where possible, they do not need to dictate the way you work together as parents.
Children benefit when the adults around them can communicate respectfully, maintain healthy boundaries, and keep their focus on what is best for them. Not every co-parenting relationship will look the same, and for some families, greater distance or stricter boundaries may be necessary.
Co-parenting doesn’t have to mean friendship and blended families, but it also doesn’t have to mean ongoing conflict. Sometimes it simply requires two people putting their child’s needs ahead of their own differences.
Moving Forward After Separation
Perhaps the hardest part of co-parenting is grieving the version of parenthood you thought you would have.
There are still moments when I feel sadness for the memories I imagined making, the family life I thought we would build, and the time I don’t get to spend with my daughter. Separation brings losses that aren’t always visible to other people—the loss of future plans, shared routines, certainty, identity, and the version of family life you had hoped for.
At the same time, I have learned that grief and gratitude can exist alongside one another.
I can miss my daughter deeply when she is away and still appreciate the opportunity to rest, work, or reconnect with myself. I can feel sadness about how things turned out while also recognising that choosing a healthier future for both of us was the right decision.
For many people, adjusting to co-parenting can bring challenges that feel difficult to navigate alone.
Gaining Support
You may find yourself struggling with guilt, loneliness, anxiety about the future, low self-esteem, anger towards your former partner, or uncertainty about your identity outside of the relationship. Some parents find themselves caught up in self-critical thoughts, questioning whether they have made the right decisions or worrying about the impact of separation on their children.
Therapy can provide a space to explore these experiences without judgement.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help you identify and challenge unhelpful thinking patterns, manage feelings of guilt and anxiety, develop healthier coping strategies, and build confidence in your ability to navigate this new chapter of life. It can also support you in understanding how your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours interact, helping you respond to challenges in ways that are more compassionate and helpful.
Whilst co-parenting may not have been the journey you expected, it does not mean that you or your family have failed. Families can take many different forms, and healthy, loving relationships can exist across more than one home.
Sometimes the bravest thing a parent can do is let go of the life they imagined in order to create something healthier than what they had. And if you’re finding that process difficult, you don’t have to navigate it alone.
Reach out to us; we are here to support you.
Nathalie and Team LGT x
