Have you found yourself overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts since becoming a parent — thoughts that worry you, scare you, or leave you doubting yourself?
One of Laura’s incredible supervisees, Jess Hayes, who specialises in maternal mental health and OCD, has written this blog explaining why intrusive thoughts happen, when it’s important to seek support, and practical tips to help you manage them.
Why do I have such horrible thoughts as a new parent?
Have you found yourself having thoughts that worry you since becoming a parent? Perhaps these include images of harm coming to your baby, or of you harming them. They might include physical sensations when changing a nappy that make you panic, or thoughts around not feeling love for them. The thoughts might not be directly about your baby, but they might be around your relationship, your health, or the cleanliness of your home. The content can vary massively from person to person, but these thoughts tend to lead to a lot of anxiety and even mistrust in yourself and others.
All of us experience intrusive thoughts. These are: unwanted, distressing thoughts that can be images, urges or ‘words’ in our heads. They often latch onto what we personally find scary and important, making them feel even more threatening. These are not talked about enough, and many people are too afraid to speak of the content of them in case they are judged by others.
If we do sometimes feel brave enough to reach out to someone for help, we can hear responses that are not ideal. We can often ‘test the waters’ by sharing a little about what the thoughts are like and be met with responses that make us reluctant to share more.
‘But we all get those thoughts, why are you so anxious?’
Have you found that we have moved from dismissing anxiety to almost normalising it in a way that can become dismissive in itself? Sometimes, it really helps to know that we aren’t alone in what we are struggling with, but it is also important that we feel validated and heard when it comes to discussing these things. We know through research that everyone gets intrusive thoughts about the same things, but that some people experience these more often and are more impacted by them, so it is important to know how hard you are finding these and why.
Everyone experiences intrusive thoughts, and we can all see an increase in them in some situations: when we are more stressed and overwhelmed, when we are tired, when we feel an increase in our sense of responsibility, and when we struggle with low self-esteem and low confidence in ourselves and our abilities. Based on this, is it any wonder why new parents often experience a lot of intrusive thoughts, when we are usually hit with all of these things, combined at the same time?
It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t get support and validation if you are finding the thoughts hard to manage, because everyone experiences them differently. Through my years of specialising in both intrusive thoughts and perinatal mental health, I can confidently say that no two people have exactly the same experiences of how thoughts affect them, even if the content of the thoughts is the same. There are lots of personality factors, cultural factors, and life experiences that can influence how intense these thoughts can get and how hard they are to manage. Even trauma during pregnancy and birth can have a large impact on them.
Here’s the thing: no matter what the thoughts are or how often you have them- they are not dangerous and they do not make you a bad person.
We cannot control our thoughts, emotions and physical sensations, and so these are all things that we shouldn’t judge ourselves or others for.
Actions are what matter. If you can recognise this and you find the thoughts you have as a new parent can be upsetting but manageable, then great.
Here are some signs that you might need a bit more support with them, so they don’t escalate further and impact on your mental health more:
- You are extremely distressed by them.
- You are finding yourself avoiding things to either try to prevent the thoughts, and/or because you worry they may come true.
- They are leading you to withdraw from your baby and/or relationships.
- You are altering your behaviour based on your thoughts.
- You are thinking about these thoughts constantly, ruminating on them and perhaps checking memories and feelings in relation to them.
- You are seeking reassurance from others by asking people about the content of your thoughts, or by ‘confessing’ them to test if you are a bad person.
- You are researching things online constantly for the things that intrusive thoughts relate to.
- The thoughts are impacting your self-esteem and confidence in yourself and your parenting.
If your intrusive thoughts are leading to the above, then it can be really useful to get some support as soon as possible. It is particularly important to make sure the person you get help from has a good understanding of intrusive thoughts and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which the above behaviours can often indicate that the thoughts have escalated into. This is because a lot of ways to treat anxiety and other difficulties with emotional wellbeing can feed into things that reinforce intrusive thoughts.
You can initially reach out to:
- Your midwife
- Your GP
- Your health visitor
- You can ask for a referral to the perinatal mental health team for support (up to 1-2 years after birth, depending on area)
Tips in the meantime:
- If you can choose a therapist, ask a lot of questions about their specific experience and additional training (over and above what is covered in their therapy training) in OCD.
- Have a look into OCD and intrusive thoughts to understand more, but limit how much research you do because it can become a way to get reassurance.
- Try to stop Googling the thoughts you’re worried about- plan to discuss them with your therapist when you have one, and focus more on behaving in a way that fits with your parenting goals and personality.
- Start to build self-care into your daily life when possible, start small- reducing stress can benefit how well you are able to challenge the things that reinforce these thoughts.
- Start to notice if you are trying to judge or analyse a thought or feeling, and direct your attention externally. Look into grounding techniques for this.
- If you are going to try self-help via a book or website, stick to one approach at a time, because ways to manage these can vary and contradict each other.
Remember – because these thoughts are normal and because we can’t control them, they are supposed to be there. When you practice anything to help with them and with anxiety, the goal isn’t to get rid of them, and expecting them to go when this doesn’t happen can increase fear relating to them. Aim to manage the thoughts and feelings, rather than to get rid of them.
Here are some further supportive resources:
OCD-UK | A national OCD charity, run by and for people with lived experience of OCD
The ‘Disordered’ Podcast: Disordered: Anxiety Help
Perinatal OCD | Types of mental health problems | Mind – Mind
Intrusive thoughts and perinatal OCD – COPE
For some more information about managing OCD and intrusive thoughts, you can find me on Instagram at @jess_helps_your_ocd and @jess_the_therapy_mum (for more general information for new parents that includes information on managing thoughts) and on my website www.reimaginetherapy.co.uk
Jess x
