Jess' story shines a light on how our Maternal journey is one where we more feel unheard, than heard. Dismissed, more than respected.
Our society is FILLED with people pleasers. Britain is a breeding ground for them. Mothers, women, are not natural complainers. But Mothers know their babies and children. They have a connection that runs so deep that they have an inner knowing about their needs that only they can hold.
Yet, Mothers, for years, have been taught to question the judgement that is the one we NEED to be listening to when it comes to caring for children AND caring for ourselves.
I cannot tell you enough the isolation, loneliness and self-doubt this creates in Mothers, which genuinely contributes to the development of Clinical Mental Health challenges. It is not ok.
Motherhood is truly challenging enough without, yes, I am going to say it, routinely gaslighting Mothers, their own experience, and when they are trying to advocate for the needs of their children. There is no one person to blame here, and despite routinely not being listened to, Jess understands the pressure so many healthcare professionals are under.
The problem runs deep. It is systemic on so many levels.
Therefore, sadly the answer, is not quick or simple. But, I am a great advocate for never underestimating the power each of us have, to be part of the change we need.
Sharing these stories, voices, and campaigning for change…is one of them.
Jess' Story - Learning to Speak Up For Myself
I wish I could say there was one time that really stands out as when I felt unheard as a mother, but the truth is, I’m struggling to narrow it down.
I think what didn’t help was that even prior to having children, I had a lot of practice at ignoring and pushing aside my emotions and needs. This meant when I had my babies, it felt very natural to put their needs first, regardless of how I felt.
A perfect storm.
Medically, during pregnancy, it felt like luck of the draw whether I got listened to or not. I’m not blaming anyone - the system they work in is horrifically tough. I couldn’t do their jobs for a second. I had gestational diabetes and ulcerative colitis, so I spent quite a bit of time nervously waiting in hospitals! For both pregnancies, I was induced. In the first one, it was the absolute opposite of what I wanted, and throwing COVID into the mix, it was a lonely and challenging experience. I’ll never forget the moment, when looking at a monitor, one midwife told a trainee that my contractions 'were not that painful’- ignoring how I was feeling completely. I felt like somehow I’d failed at hypnobirthing- like birth was some kind of GCSE exam.
When I had my first son, he never put things in his mouth. This made weaning super tough. I knew from about 4 months that it was going to be a problem, but no one would listen. It was 10 months of asking for help from varying medical professionals, Instagram gurus and being ignored or, even worse, when he was 11/12 months old, being told over and over again that breastfeeding was the problem. That I just needed to do it less.
Looking back now, I know that it wasn’t. All the while he dropped down the centiles, I had to go back to work and leave him. The feeling of relief when I found a Speech and Language therapist who fit us in that week, told me it wasn’t my fault, listened to everything we tried and then helped to suggest things is something I will never forget. Eventually, he started to try food. I’ll never forget the moment he licked some cream off a straw for the first time.
With my second baby, there have still been challenges, but during pregnancy, I wrote myself a set of affirmations, and I pressed pause. When offered an induction in the snow with no hospital bag or husband, I paused. I asked what would happen if I waited. And I did.
The challenge this time around has been more domestic. Balancing the mental load, working out what my needs actually are and then communicating them without being passive-aggressive. With lots of support from Laura and the group through her Finding Yourself Through Motherhood, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m learning to make people listen by learning my needs and how to be assertive. I honestly can’t thank her enough. I love my boys, and now I do it a little bit better because I love myself too.
Jess x
