I’ve been working in Mental Health now for 17 years, and have noticed a huge difference in the goals that people are setting for themselves and their recovery in treatment.
This shift is a welcome change!
Where once people asked to “get rid” of their anxiety, low mood, depression, or anger. People are now moving to recognise that “getting rid” is not possible. Nor helpful actually!
Although, often, there is a sneaky part inside us that still hopes for that. Because feelings FEELINGS, is hard, right?!
Who else can identify with secretly or openly hating feeling feelings? I certainly used to be one of them. I had a huge fear, that if I truly allowed myself to feel my feelings, to cry, that I would never stop. I would literally get lost in that feeling, never to return to daily life again.
Something I have learnt within my own self-discovery and healing journey is to shift my beliefs and goals around emotions.
What if the genuine goal wasn’t to get rid of emotions at all?
As trauma expert Gabor Maté wisely said:
“It’s not about feeling better. It’s about getting better at feeling.”
Emotional regulation isn’t about banishing feelings. It’s about learning how to feel them fully, interpret what they’re telling us, and respond in ways that serve and support us to live our best life.
So, What Is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to:
- Feel your emotions…ALL of them!
- Tolerate and accept them as being the communicators they are, rather than something to fear
- Listen to what they’re communicating
- Decide how to respond consciously
- Watch them pass and flow…because this is how emotions generally roll, if we move from pushing them away, or holding onto them, to allowing them to move freely
Choosing how to respond to our emotions by recognising what it is they are telling us we need could involve several things. Some examples are moving your body to shift emotional energy, breathing deeply, resting, planning something fulfilling, or simply letting yourself feel without fear.
“Sometimes, we feel things because there is a perfectly good reason for us to feel them. Trust, this too shall pass, if we allow it to. But what we do not feel, we cannot heal.”
What Is Emotional Dysregulation?
On the flip side, emotional dysregulation is when emotions overwhelm us. It feels like emotions are happening to us, and we’re reacting on autopilot. Reacting, rather than consciously choosing to respond.
This can happen when we suppress feelings, tell ourselves we “shouldn’t” feel a certain way, hello anger and the patriarchal messaging we received that anger is not an emotion that women should feel!
“There are no good or bad emotions—just emotions.”
And the more we resist them, the more powerful and dysregulating they can become.
The Window of Tolerance: Your Emotional Comfort Zone
A helpful model for understanding regulation is the Window of Tolerance.
- When we’re inside this window, we feel regulated, present, and able to respond consciously.
- When we’re outside of it, we may experience hyper-arousal (e.g. anxiety, overwhelm, rage) or hypo-arousal (e.g. numbness, low energy, disconnection).
You can widen your Window of Tolerance by practising grounding activities which really allow you to connect to the present moment you are in, increasing self-awareness, and learning what helps you stay connected to your emotional centre.
What Helps with Emotional Regulation
Regulation looks different for everyone. It can shift based on your situation, your needs, and even the season of life you’re in. The key is developing self-awareness, acceptance, and curiosity.
- Get Curious About Your Emotions
Try asking:
- What am I feeling?
- What is this telling me I need right now?
- Use Movement to Shift Energy
“Movement that matches your emotional energy is powerful and can give you more energy. Whereas movement that does not match your needs can deplete you further.”
- Feeling wired or angry? Try a run or an intense workout.
- Feeling flat or fragile? Gentle yoga, stretching, or a walk might be more supportive.
- Connect with the Present Moment
Anything that grounds you in the here and now supports regulation.
For example:
- A mindful walk in nature using your five senses of sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste.
- A calming breathwork practice
- A favourite scent or warm cup of tea
- Watching a candle flicker
- Noting down your current emotional experience
Regulation Is Deeply Personal
What feels nourishing to one person may be triggering to another. You are your own best guide. The more you learn what contributes to your dysregulation and what brings you back to centre, the better equipped you’ll be.
“No one knows your truth better than you do. But we need to learn to be still enough with ourselves to see it.”
Sometimes Regulation Requires Brave Choices
Regulation isn’t always easy. Sometimes it means:
- Setting boundaries with people who trigger anxiety or anger
- Saying no
- Ending relationships
These can be tough to do alone, which is where therapy becomes a vital support system.
“Challenging decisions, when right for us, often lead to long-term emotional peace. Think short-term pain for long-term gain.”
A Gentle Reminder: It’s a Journey
Even as a Psychotherapist, I am on this journey too. Like all humans, I experience dysregulation.
Dysregulation happens for us all. Especially in this busy world, which continually demands more and more attention from us. Throw in the mix navigating multiple life stressors, neurodiversity, illness, or any number of additional stressors or needs which take away your energy.
“There is nothing wrong with you if overwhelm takes over. You are not failing or doing anything wrong. Emotional regulation is a skill we can all learn, but most of us were never taught this vital life skill.”
Our goal is to widen the window of tolerance, so regulation becomes more frequent than dysregulation, not perfection.
Factors That Can Contribute to Increased Levels of Dysregulation
- Neurodiversity (e.g., ADHD, autism)
- High levels of stress or responsibility
- Unprocessed trauma
- Hormonal changes (e.g., menstrual cycle)
- Physical illness
At Laura Greenwood Therapy, we specialise in helping parents navigate these layered pressures with compassion and practical tools.
How Therapy Can Help
There are several psychotherapies that support emotional regulation:
- CBT – Understand how thoughts and behaviours influence emotions.
- Compassion Focused Therapy – Activate your soothing system and build emotional resilience.
- EMDR – Process trauma and reduce its hold on your nervous system.
Our integrative approach means we tailor therapy to your goals and needs.
Free NHS support is also available via Talking Therapies, though many services have long waits.
If you’d like to discuss your options for private therapy with our team, get in touch here.
Final Thoughts
You are not broken.
Emotional dysregulation is not a sign you are failing—it’s a sign you need support, space, or something to shift.
We all benefit from becoming more emotionally aware, especially in a world that rarely stops.
Let’s move from surviving to thriving—one breath, one step, one feeling at a time.
I hope that you have found value in this article, my lovelies.
All of my love,
Laura x
