“It takes a village to raise a child” – these familiar words echo an ancient truth. But just as precious is this whispered wisdom: every mother needs her village too, a caring circle of hearts and hands to help her flourish and find her strength. We humans are social beings who need contact and connection. And while technology helps us connect virtually across continents and miles, we’ve lost the invaluable gift of presence.
A village provides mothers with communal support, generational wisdom, and helping hands always within reach. However, changing family patterns means many of today’s mothers lack the traditional support network of grandmothers, aunts, and neighbouring mothers.
Our lovely Therapist, Daniella Doon-Joseph reflects here on raising her children without a traditional ‘village’
Growing up in Trinidad, my mum’s sister lived opposite us, and her two other sisters were just minutes away. With both of my parents working full-time, the after-school pickup was a shared effort between my parents, older cousins, uncles, aunties, and other families. On ballet days, my uncle Neville would collect me in his white Cortina from school, wait during my lesson, and then take me to my Auntie June’s home, where a warm, delicious snack awaited. As a teenager, I’d often do homework and “lime” (a Trinidadian phrase for “hang out”) at a friend’s home until my parents finished work. Whether it was an auntie dropping by with home-cooked food, another parent offering rides to parties, or evenings spent on my aunt’s porch playing while my mum and auntie talked – my mother’s village had her back.
I believed I would have that same village when I became a mother. When motherhood arrived, I was more than four thousand miles away from my “village”. My husband and I had just moved to a new area, and I found myself without the village I had always imagined – it felt isolating and foreign. I know I’m not alone in my experience – and it took me time to acknowledge, accept and process that grief of losing the village I never had.
The absence of the village manifests in countless ways: the mother who hasn’t showered in three days because there’s no one to hold her colicky baby; the midnight Google searches for answers that once would have come from an experienced relative; the endless energy of keeping a tiny human alive; the decision fatigue from processing so much information and making countless choices; the physical and emotional exhaustion from being “on” 24/7; the weight of trying to be “a perfect mum” when there’s no handbook for motherhood.
Whether you’ve found yourself without a village – through choice or fate – here are some helpful practices to consider:
- Remember to breathe – No matter your stage of motherhood: bleary-eyed exhaustion of newborn days, terrific toddlerhood, curious childhood or thrilling teenage adventures, allow yourself a moment to take a few steady breaths, noticing the gentle rise and fall of your chest.
- Bring to mind what matters most to you – think about the activities that you enjoy, the things that make you laugh, and the people that are important to you and write these down.
- Choose connections that work for you – from your list, choose one thing and ask yourself “What is one small thing that could move me in this direction?”. If it’s moving your body, consider a local post-natal Pilates class or mums’ running/walking club. If it’s reading, visit your local library or join a book club.
- Make a mindful cuppa – engage your senses as you make your cuppa of choice (e.g. hot chocolate, chai, tea, coffee). Listen to the kettle boil, observe the view from your kitchen window, smell the aroma of your hot drink, notice the taste of the flavours and feel the warm cup in your hands. These few minutes of being present anchor you in the now.
- Live a rich and meaningful life – allow yourself to think about your values and the kind of mum you want to be to your child(ren). Consider the qualities you hope to embody and what you want your journey of motherhood to have been about.
Even though you might be without the village you had once imagined, there’s still time to build your own village – finding others who share your values, kindness, humour or willingness to lend a helping hand. We’re not meant to do this alone. The truth remains: we mother better together than alone.
Daniella
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