Written by – Jordan Mcphail – CBT and EMDR Therapist – Team LGT
After nearly seven months off work, I’m planning a return in September and I’m excited to be a part of the LGT team as I do! With that in mind and with birth trauma awareness week being this week, I thought it’d be a good time to share my own recent experience of birth trauma having my first baby girl, Halle, in March.
My Birth Story
I had a pretty smooth pregnancy aside from a couple of anomalies in measurement, which sent me for a couple of growth scans. During the second scan, I was told Halle was measuring big and she had excess fluid around her, more than was normal during that stage of pregnancy. As a result, I was asked to come in for induction a few days before my due date.
I want to make it clear here that I wasn’t pressured into induction. The doctor I spoke with was kind and told me to weigh up the information, and it would ultimately be my choice. The midwife said the same and mentioned that a home birth wasn’t recommended but it was still my call. I’d had it in my head that I wouldn’t accept induction for a predicted large baby due to the information I’d already read. However, when the word ‘risk’ forms part of the sentence, it’s a lot harder to listen to your gut. And for me, anxiety around the risk element felt more prominent, particularly as there weren’t any professionals around to provide me with information on the counter argument of waiting it out. So, we accepted induction and off we trotted, bags packed.
The Induction and Labour
It’s no surprise that I arrived at the hospital feeling really nervous, met with an abrupt midwife who didn’t have much warmth to her. We started with monitoring and ended up a few hours in due to Halle’s heart rate and movements being unstable, making it difficult to get a satisfactory baseline. Eventually, we moved forward and started with the pessary. Fast forward a few hours into the night, and I was in agony, having what felt like contractions every few minutes, super painful, then nausea and vomiting. The first night of no sleep.
At around 22 of the 24 hours, the pessary was removed due to concerns about Halle’s heart rate. We were told we’d be moved over to the birthing unit when there was space to have my waters broken. Again, I felt an undercurrent of worry as there was a sense of urgency due to Halle’s unstable observations. Later that night, my waters (partially, now I know) broke. We waited nearly two days to be moved as there wasn’t space on the birthing unit, and I developed an infection. I was told that when the baby was born, we’d need to remain in the hospital for three days. I cried, overwhelmed with the thought of an extended stay in hospital but we processed and accepted it and focused on getting Halle here first!
The Birthing Unit and Emergency C-Section
At midnight, we were taken to the birthing unit. We’d just put our heads down for a sleep, so when we moved, we’d been nearly 48 hours without much sleep at all. With no resilience left, feeling scared and on edge, I asked for an epidural.
Epidural in, at 4 am the drip was started; the next 15 hours signifies the hardest chunk of time for me. Some parts of it still feel a bit of a blur, but from the moment the drip started Halle wasn’t happy and her observations were all over the place. At one point the midwife woke me up gently and said, “Jordan, in a minute a lot of people will be running into the room, don’t panic.” Poor George didn’t get the forewarning, and he awoke to 12 people running into the room as she’d pressed the emergency buzzer. I was familiar with this, having worked in hospital environments, and this only served to panic me more. I had doctors asking me to move onto one side and then another as the midwife explained Halle’s heart rate had been down for three minutes now.
I was terrified she was going to die.
It wasn’t until things were stable again a few minutes later that I burst into tears from the shock.
The drip was turned right down again as it had been multiple times in the last few hours. We once again asked if she was okay; “We’re just continuing to monitor her,” we were told again – what did that even mean?! After another couple of hours of the same back and forth with the drip, my elevated heart rate, and unstable observations, we were overwhelmed and completely exhausted. I cried and asked about a caesarean, supported and encouraged by George to do so as he was also becoming increasingly worried. The consultant agreed due to my distress and examined me as part of the process. “You’re 6cm dilated. I think you can do it. If you were my sister, I’d tell you to continue.” So we did, and four hours later at the next examination, I was still 6cm. Completely disheartened and once again terrified, we were then taken for an emergency C-section to get Halle out after a total of 15 hours on the oxytocin drip.
The Emergency C-Section
We headed into theatre with another group of clinicians. The midwife came too, and she’d told us that caesareans are usually 20 minutes in and out. They topped up my epidural and Halle came out after around 10 minutes. We couldn’t do skin-to-skin as there wasn’t room and at the same time the midwife was trying to put her on me I was told, “We’re just giving you something in your cannula; you might feel nauseous,”. With that Halle was replaced with a sick bowl! George was called over to the scales where Halle was being weighed as the consultant continued to stitch me up. Only it felt like it was taking a long time. I was exhausted being pushed and pulled around, and as I asked how much longer, I was told “not long, nearly there” on a couple of occasions. Something felt off, and I asked the midwife if everything was okay, she told me I’d just lost some blood and they wouldn’t be much longer. Time pressed on.
I remember laying on the table thinking “I’m going to be butchered,” then a fleeting thought that, maybe I’d die, passed through my mind too.
Recovery and Aftermath
Eventually, we were wheeled back into the room. It was late now. Halle was gone for over an hour having a cannula fitted for precautionary antibiotics. I felt totally out of it and couldn’t move due to the surgery. As George proudly Face Timed family holding Halle, I didn’t feel present. The three days we stayed in the hospital were hard. I was in pain, trying to breastfeed, and we were naturally sleep-deprived; both of us recall feeling completely overwhelmed. We also had an unpleasant encounter with medical staff taking my drain out on the ward – even the midwife cried due to how they spoke to us.
Fast forward to coming home; discharged on Mother’s Day at 9pm I was apprehensive about leaving the hospital and scared at the time, I still felt really vulnerable and like I wasn’t ready or perhaps capable of looking after Halle. On coming home, things felt totally overwhelming physically and mentally! From tackling stairs to the exhaustion while trying to breastfeed and heal from the surgery.
I cried a lot and at one point thought to myself, “What have I done?” as I wondered whether I’d ever feel okay again.
In hindsight, I know I was still in shock and questioned where that euphoric feeling that everyone speaks about was for me, why hadn’t it arrived? Looking back, it’s no surprise at all given how I felt throughout my labour and during the hospital experience generally.
I spent five days feeling like I couldn’t cope at all and would never feel mentally better again. The midwives told me it was a crash in hormones, and I’d feel better in a couple of days. They were right, I did begin to feel better physically and that helped me mentally too. However, it took me around six weeks to begin to shed the intense anxiety and low mood/emptiness I felt. George recalls this time being challenging for him too, naturally.
Falling in Love with Motherhood
Falling in love with motherhood didn’t happen overnight for me, but several key factors have helped me embrace this new chapter in my life and develop a beautiful bond with my daughter!
Learning to Ask for and Accept Support
This is still a work in progress for me (which will be a continuing theme throughout these points!), however, learning to ask for support whether from family, friends or professionals, has been essential to me settling into motherhood and truly enjoying it. It has been and continues to be a struggle at times, as negative thoughts will creep and make me question whether people will think I can’t cope because I’m asking for help or that I’m not a good enough mum for leaving my baby with others. George reminds me that our family and friends also want time with Halle, so the benefits are reciprocal!
I’m learning to squash the negatives and lead with compassion.
Dropping High Standards and Expectations
This has been a real challenge for me again, but I’ve had to work on dropping my high standards and expectations.
Motherhood is challenging enough and trying to meet unrealistic expectations only adds to the stress. Moving toward letting go of perfectionism is allowing me to appreciate the small victories and progress we continue to make, as well as tolerate mess around the house more!
Slowing Down and Being Kind to Myself
For me this one has been important and liberating in ways. In a world obsessed with fast pace, it’s easy to feel left behind and lost as a new mum or feel inadequate when inevitably you can’t meet the pace you used to. But slowing down and trying to enjoy the present moment and stage of life and motherhood has been helpful and essential. I’ve also been continuously challenging any negative thoughts creeping in – and they do, frequently!
And remind myself that whatever I’m doing is good enough. It’s so easy to get caught up in toxic productivity within our culture but it’s not necessary to engage in it!
This mindset has helped me manage the overwhelming feelings and allowed me to enjoy the small, precious moments with Halle.
Talking About My Feelings
It has been and continues to be important for me to be open with others about how I’m really feeling and if I’m struggling. Again, this was daily and hourly in the early days! I felt completely lost and empty at times and found it difficult to imagine feeling ‘normal’ once again. The people around you might not know exactly what to say or do but voicing what is going on makes it easier for people to try to understand, support and to ask you what you need. I also attended a ‘birth afterthoughts’ appointment with a midwife a couple of months after Halle was born, where we went through all of my notes and I had the opportunity to ask questions and make a complaint if I wanted to. I found this cathartic and helpful. Birth afterthoughts meetings are available across the NHS at any time after your birth.
Showing Self-Compassion
As mentioned above, it’s been important for me to challenge negative thoughts and demonstrate self-compassion; to accept that I’d undergone major surgery and needed time to recover from the trauma both physically and emotionally. Self-compassion has helped me to gradually build up confidence and resilience again.
When I’m questioning whether I’m doing enough as a mum or is I’m good enough, I remind myself that I absolutely am, I do my best every day, even if that looks different each day, and that is good enough!
Thank you for reading my story!
Writing about and sharing my story has been cathartic, and I hope it helps others feel less alone in their experiences, as I do when I listen to and read similar stories myself. Birth trauma is real and it’s important to acknowledge it, talk about it, and seek support from those around you and from a professional if you need. One thing I will add is that you don’t have to justify why your birth was traumatic, even to yourself or compare yourself to others who you think may have it worse than you, our experiences are subjective, relative, and valid.
Jordan x
