“It stops with me”
Breaking Generational Patterns of Parenting and Managing Mental Health from a Dads Perspective
by Paul Ledger, Psychotherapist at Laura Greenwood Therapy
When I was 15 years old, I began thinking deeply about what I wanted to do with my life. I found myself fascinated by the concept of metacognition — thinking about thinking. But my thoughts soon turned to people who struggled with darker, more personal battles. I thought about those who tell themselves they’re not good enough or who carry an unbearable weight that others may never see. I realised then that I wanted to be a therapist.
Over the years, I’ve shared this story, but if I had to summarise the real reason, I chose this path, it would be one word: Dad.
My Father’s Silent Struggle
My father, like many men of his generation, rarely talked about his feelings. He was the classic “strong, silent type,” but it was clear to me that something was amiss. His attempts to hide his pain seemed strained, almost as if he was overcompensating for something. Growing up, I sensed there was a hidden weight he carried, but I didn’t fully understand it until I was 14 when his mental health deteriorated severely.
His first stay in a mental health ward was brief. He admitted later that he lied to the psychiatrists to avoid staying longer, only to later attempt to take his own life. It was a turning point. He was admitted again, and this time, he embraced the help that was offered. He took his medication, engaged with mental health services, and, as difficult as it was, began to heal. His marriage ended, and he moved out, but in hindsight, this painful chapter led to a new beginning for us. Our relationship transformed, and today, we share a close bond that I cherish deeply.
Understanding Intergenerational Trauma
As I grew older, my dad began to open up about his own father — a man I never met but heard described as “mean.” My dad’s struggles, I realised, were rooted in his own unresolved trauma. This was a cycle, a pattern we now call intergenerational trauma, where the emotional scars of one generation can unconsciously be passed down to the next. I didn’t know it had a name back then, but I knew one thing: it would stop with me. I didn’t want to perpetuate the same silence and unresolved pain.
Becoming a therapist gave me the tools and understanding to break this cycle, both for myself and my family. My dad is now an advocate for mental health, and we continue to talk openly about these issues, even if it took us years to get here.
A New Kind of Parenting
Today, I’m a father too, and I approach parenting differently from how I was raised. In our home, we talk openly about emotions, even using an emotion wheel to help name what we feel. Before my son was born, I read countless books on parenting. Among them, Raising Boys and Manhood by Steve Biddulph resonated with me, but The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry was the one that truly changed my perspective. It underscored for me the importance of mental health as a foundation for good parenting.
As parents, we bear the responsibility to check in on our mental well-being. Parenting is challenging — the sleepless nights, the constant anxiety, and the life changes that make you feel as though your world is no longer your own. This role tests our resilience and exposes our vulnerabilities. We owe it to ourselves and to our children to ensure our minds are as healthy as they can be.
Reaching Out for Support
Good parenting is never easy. It demands sacrifices, adjustments, and a willingness to confront our own emotional challenges. If you’re a parent, it’s okay to admit when you’re not okay. Struggling is more common than you might think, and help is available.
Thank you for reading my story. It’s a reminder that healing is possible, that cycles can be broken, and that, with the right support, we can create healthier, happier futures for ourselves and our children.
Paul
