By Krishan Mistry, Psychotherapist at Laura Greenwood Therapy
“Becoming a dad isn’t just about raising a child; it’s also about becoming someone new yourself.”
Krishan shares in this heartfelt personal blog his experience of becoming a father
I’ll never forget the sheer elation of holding my daughter, Leila, for the first time. The moment she opened her eyes and looked straight at me, it was as if time stopped. My whole world shifted in that instant, a rush of love, pride, awe, and disbelief all rolled into one. And then, almost as quickly, came the terror.
“How on earth am I going to keep this little person alive?”
While my wife went for a shower at the hospital, I remember turning to the midwife in sheer panic and blurting out, “How do I look after her?!” She smiled kindly and said, “Just cuddle her, make sure her nappies are changed, feed her and play with her.” It sounded so simple. Yet I had no idea what was really in store.
Does any first-time parent truly know? All those antenatal classes suddenly felt like a distant memory.
The Journey Begins
I felt so proud packing Leila safely into her new car seat, the same one I’d practised installing weeks earlier and then immediately forgot how to use when it mattered most (thank goodness for YouTube tutorials!) My wife snapped the obligatory photo of me walking out of the hospital, chest puffed out, baby in car seat— the classic “Dad moment.”
Coming from a big Indian family, there was no shortage of visitors in those early days. The house buzzed with laughter, food, and love. It was comforting, and honestly, it meant I didn’t have to do much beyond smiling and making tea. But when everyone left, and the house went quiet, that’s when reality really hit. When it was just the three of us, and especially at night, the fear crept in.
Finding My Place
During pregnancy, my wife had severe pelvic girdle pain. She was in constant discomfort, and even hugging her was tricky. After the birth, being able to hold her again, properly, was such a relief. But as those early days unfolded, I noticed something else: the bond between her and Leila was instant and beautiful. I loved watching it, but sometimes it made me feel like I was on the sidelines, unsure where I fitted in.
That’s something I wish more dads talked about — the feeling of being a bit peripheral at first. Not unwanted, just… unsure. You love your child completely, but you’re also trying to find your place in this brand-new world.
The Feeding Struggles
We’d always imagined breastfeeding would just happen naturally. In our online antenatal class (Covid times!), every single parent clicked “planning to breastfeed” in the poll. We didn’t know how hard it could be.
Those nights were long. Leila was restless and hungry, my wife exhausted and tearful. She wanted so much to give that first bit of colostrum, but we couldn’t tell if anything was even coming out. We had incredible support from our midwives, but as a dad, I felt useless. I don’t produce milk; what good could I do? My words — “You’re doing great, keep going” — felt hollow at the time.
After a few days, the exhaustion and emotion caught up with both of us. My wife, who is usually so stoic, finally said,
“I’m really struggling.” I remember replying, “So am I.”
We both broke down and cried together. And then we made the best decision we could in that moment: we switched to formula.
It was the right choice for us. I still remember a friend saying, “Fed is best.” Honestly, it’s one of the best things anyone said to me.
What Helped Me
- Friends saying, “It will get easier.” I didn’t believe them at the time, not one bit, but they were right. It did. Slowly, it did.
- Talking to other dads. Hearing that other men were struggling too helped me feel less alone and less guilty.
- Remembering that all babies are different. The antenatal classes are helpful, but nothing replaces learning about your own baby. That realisation made me feel valuable again, because no one knows Leila like we do.
What I Wish Someone Had Told Me
Becoming a dad is the best, most rewarding thing you’ll ever do, but it will also test every part of you. You’ll feel joy, fear, pride, frustration, love, and doubt, sometimes all at once. That’s normal.
If I could tell new dads one thing, it would be this:
Embrace every emotion.
Don’t be afraid to say when you’re struggling. Talk to other parents, dads, mums, anyone, and you’ll realise your worries aren’t just yours. They’re part of what it means to grow into this new version of yourself.
Because that’s the thing no one really tells you: becoming a dad isn’t just about raising a child, it’s also about becoming someone new yourself.
